Deniability

As humans, we crave certainty. We build our lives around predictability, reliability, the illusion that tomorrow is promised. I have spent whole nights bargaining with the ceiling, trying to make uncertainty confess. But all it really is..is deniability. The small mercy we build between ourselves and the fact that nothing is promised.

We live waiting for what’s next, as if foresight could save us from heartbreak.

We waste hours...days...thinking about what ifs and when’s, trying to decode the unspoken script of our future.

I have lost whole evenings to imagined versions of my life, replaying the sentence I should have said, the choice I should have made or the door I should have closed sooner.

Because at some point, we all end up worn thin. Frayed by the stories we cannot prove, worn down by all the futures we keep rehearsing. The thoughts get louder. The what-ifs grow teeth.

And then comes the question that never quite leaves me:

What would people say if they knew the whole story?

If they saw the truth not from the polished angle, but from every bruised point of view? Unpolished and raw. Every jagged edge exposed.

Would they see the moments you tried your best,

or only the ones where you fell apart?

Would they recognize how rejection teaches you to edit yourself before anyone else has to? How it seeps into your skin until even love feels conditional?

There are people who can make you stand at the edge of your own life, waiting to be invited back in.

You start shrinking to fit their comfort, you begin trimming your truth into something easier for them to hold.

Then one day you look in the mirror and don’t recognize who you became while trying to be "enough".

But even in that powerlessness, something small stirs.

A reminder that survival is not failure.

That every scar is a form of language teaching your body to learn how to stay.

Maybe we never get the certainty we crave.

Maybe the search itself is what makes us human.

And maybe belonging isn’t a destination at all

but a quiet decision to keep showing up,

even when no one else sees you there.

Sometimes we have to realize the things we fear losing, were never ours to control